If I am a baby and I depend upon my mother, this dependency is necessary for my survival.
When I am adult the very young depend upon me for survival.
People grow. They change. But you, the spiritual being, are outside of time. You are always ALL that you are and all that you ever were:
You are the infant, the child, the adolescent, the adult.
As an adult you may choose to relate to other adults. One of these relationships is a partnership to create and care for the young.
Ideally, each adult is self-dependent.
But sometimes adults set up dependencies. If the dependency becomes too FIXED one feels (as a child) that should ‘the parent' leave, they would die.
People change at different rates and in different directions. We are here to grow and to learn and that means change occurs. Gradual change that is accepted by all those involved occurs without being noticed. Sudden, or hidden, or unacceptable changes HURT.
When open communication has been absent for a long time one person may solve the problem of their own changes by leaving.
Sudden change is similar to a sudden death.
The feelings that one gets after one has been left hurt. There is the feeling of being lost and the feeling of being less than.
There could also be anger or blame. [If so go to those sections now]
The child within you feels the results of being left as death. It initially fights it and then grieves.
The adult feels that life has ‘holes' left in it.
They have got used to many things that have become part of the ritual of existence such as setting 2 places on the table. Now only one is needed.
They turn to ask an opinion and there is no one there. Someone who they expect to be there has gone.
You may have been dependent on this person.
You as an adult may be suffering from holes that need filling.
[There are many other contributing factors which need to be healed but here we are doing FIRST aid.]
As a dependent child you fear you are going to die!
As an adult you can care for yourself but need to fill the holes that are left.
You may not realize it now but there are millions of other beings to relate to.
One person whom you felt dependent upon has changed position in space and time. [It may even be that they went to another dimension as in death]
They still ARE!
A communication line is broken.
What to do about the feelings.
The hurt can be intense.
Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings are there. [Use the section on unwanted emotions.]
The adult YOU realizes what the situation really is.
The adult in you can, in quiet moments or in meditation, reach to the you that is the child and talk to that child.
Ask the child to tell you what is happening and how it feels.
LISTEN, UNDERSTAND then ACKNOWLEDGE.
When the child has told it all, give comfort and reassurance that the adult that you are is here. That you will always be there for that child. Do this as often as the child needs it.
The adult ‘you' feels the emptiness of the holes left in life. It is easy to just believe your pain was caused by the other's leaving but this irresponsibility prolongs the grieving.
It is easier to see that the holes are there to be filled and complete your grieving in order to set about filling the holes.
Steps:
Write down all the things that you will miss through this loss.
Write all the things you loved in the other.
Write all the things you resisted or disliked about the other.
>From your viewpoint
Write down all that you feel that you did not do or say and wished you
had.
Write all that you did or said that you regret.
>From the other persons viewpoint
Write down all that you consider that they feel that you did not do or
say
Write all that you feel that they did that they may regret.
It is your own actions and your own thoughts that can cause your hurt.
Forgive yourself if forgiveness is needed (do this as the adult).Forgiveness means to let go of the past.
Look back in time and find all the little signs that might have shown you that the change which appeared so sudden was, in fact, coming.
Find how and when you resisted changes or lack of changes in the other.
Accept all this.
Accept the change.
Whatever the other is doing now it is by their own choice and it is they that can heal themselves. Death is a part
of life and so are all changes within life.
Create your new life.
You can find another to depend upon or you can realize that you can create more stable relationships without dependency.
Search for those in need. Empower them, using your wisdom and knowledge, in order that they may help themselves. Give them your tenderness and understanding and support without any need to have anything in return. Isn't that what you would like for yourself?
Whilst you give to others you will feel what it is that you are giving.
AFRAID
someone may know about something you have done that you don't want found out.
The worry about whether someone will find out something that you believe will discredit you in some way is very damaging to you. It is much less damaging if you know that your secret is known, or know that it isn't known.
It is important that this worrying doubt be resolved in some way, in any way, as keeping it with you causes you to subtly destroy all your relationships. It will cause you to be critical of others, and to create distance between yourself and others in an irrational, automatic attempt to hide whatever it is that you feel cannot be revealed.
The simplest way, (but perhaps not the easiest to find the courage for), is to be honest and apologize sincerely if it is something you are sorry for. Whatever unpleasantness that might arise from this revelation is now outside you, and can almost certainly be resolved relatively easily and objectively.
Failing this direct approach, you could find out for sure whether they know or not. It is the uncertainty that is most damaging, so removing that is a valuable "first aid".
Even if you are worried that should someone find out about you it would hurt the other, your concern may still be a worry about your being discredited. You are worried lest they know it was you who "did it" and caused the hurt. Handle this as above. You will need to find a little courage!
If it is not possible to do the above find someone whom you trust and tell them EVERYTHING.
It will help to use the "Critical" handling steps.
ALIENATION
Some people feel very much a part of their families and the society in which they live whilst others feel completely out of place. They feel that they must have been adopted or that they must have come from somewhere else even from another planet or another universe. They may be right.
You have your own unique universe. You are here to have fun finding how other's have constructed their own universes. Each of those universe's is different from all others--unique!
At some time in your life you will find people who feel to you like your true family. They are your spiritual family. They reflect you as you wish to be.
You choose the family you come into whether the family involved is your biological family or not. You made this choice in order to experience what you are experiencing. You 'come from' your own universe.
Look at what you are experiencing.
See what there is in the experience to help you learn about your own qualities and about the uniqueness of you.
All the good things you can see in other people are reflections of your own good qualities.
However, you also see the things in others that are not right. These reflect hidden parts of your universe that you prefer not to have.
You choose to reflect what you admire in order to see your chosen qualities and you choose to reflect what you find unacceptable in order to resolve these things in your self.
Look to see if you are judging yourself as right and others as wrong.
This judgment is what makes you feel alien to other people. This judgment is also what makes them feel alien to you.
Steps:
1. List all the judgments that you are making of a person you feel alien to.
Take the first judgment.
2. Find times when you have been or done whatever it is that you are judging
the other person for being or doing.
3. Take full responsibility for what you caused at each of those times, and feel the feelings that you may have caused.
Now,
4. Let those feelings go--just let them go--the
same way you would let a piece of paper you were holding on to go. This will allow you to forgive yourself.
5. Decide to change.
6. Repeat this for each judgment on your list--and you will feel closer to that person.
When all alienation caused through judgment is released you will find it easier to decide exactly who you are.
ANGER
-which you feel
-which you receive from another
Anger is a natural, even a positive emotion for a human to feel. Feeling the emotion of anger stimulates a person to action, and that action is to survive by either fighting or fleeing. If you cannot fight or flee, you need to find another method of expressing this anger.
It is important that the expression is appropriate, and many people have not yet learned the appropriate expression of anger. Anger expressed in an appropriate fashion does no harm--it may even strengthen a relationship--which is why it may be called "positive".
Anger that is not expressed is said to be suppressed or repressed. Unexpressed anger may have various unwanted results. The chemistry of suppressed or repressed anger can lodge in the body and cause disease, or the energy of anger can build up and up and up until something triggers it. We all have witnessed someone exploding into rage over next to nothing.
Suppression and repression of anger causes all of our problems with anger.
If you are feeling fear in the presence of such outbursts from someone, know that you have attracted that person by means of your own repressed anger. You may have no idea that it is there. If you are with someone who has outbursts of anger it is almost certain that you do have suppressed and repressed anger
Repressed anger in yourself attracts repressed anger in others.
Steps:
1. Find a time when you felt that kind of fear. There will be some anger of your own under that fear which you did not express at that time.
2. Allow yourself to become aware of the anger that is under the fear. Do not think and reason it out--just let it come to you. Know that it is all right for you to feel angry.
When the feeling which is anger is there with you,
3. Feel it as intensely as you can. Let the feelings build up more and
more. Really build the intensity--consciously.
When the energy has come to a peak. . .
4. Pour the feelings into an imaginary container. Pour all that energy
into the container. There may be words associated with the feeling. Let them flow with the feelings into the container.
If you fill one container, then fill another, and another. . . . .
4a. Make sure all the anger is gone from you. If some remains, intensify it until you can let it go and then put it in a container.
Next,
5. Imagine that you are the you who is much more than your body and magically
turn all the contents of the containers into bright, sparkling white light. Pour all that sparkling white light
into yourself--through the top of your head filling your body.
Do not hurry. Take as long as you like. Enjoy the process, and enjoy the light.
If you receive information about yourself which you do not want you tend to make it unconscious to get rid of it. When it is activated in any way at another time it can appear to belong to someone else. You see the something that you do not want but it appears outside your self. It appears in another person. This is what causes you to blame others. Blame is saying "I do not want this to be!"
If someone is blaming you, realize that no matter what you have done or not done the blame is coming from the hidden consciousness of the person who is doing the blaming.
Steps:
If you are blaming others,
1. Write down all the things you are blaming them for.
2. Realize that the other person is reflecting your hidden consciousness to you just as a mirror reflects your physical image.
What you are blaming them for is the part of you that you do not want. You have attempted to get rid of it by hiding it. This is why you are seeing it in others. If this were not so, you would not be finding anything in the other to blame them for.
This realization will give you an understanding of why you blame and why other people blame you.
The hidden judgments can be removed.
A belief changing process to do so will be found at the end of this book. You can use it on yourself or have another
do it for you or consult a trained practitioner.
BRUISES, BUMPS, BURNS,
SPRAINS AND ABRASIONS
Take conscious control of the situation or help the other take conscious control of the situation if it is their injury that you are helping with
Do this first
1. Put the body in exactly the same position as it was when it was hurt--e.g. if you bumped your leg on a piece of furniture, put the spot on your leg that was hurt back in touch with the spot on the furniture, but gently this time! (Turn off and cool down any stove, radiator, power tool etc. that was instrumental in causing the injury).
2. Take it away.
3. Repeat 1. and 2. many times (the pain may get a little worse before getting much less)
The reduction of pain from this procedure is due to the following facts. We tend to withdraw our attention from an area of pain, which leaves the pain "stored away", prolonging it and causing future problems.
Additional relief
1. Touch with the finger, various spots around the wounded area, allowing each "touch" to be felt. (If you are doing this for someone else get them to close their eyes and to let you know when they feel your finger each time.)
2. Treat each side of the body. So if the left leg is injured, touch a spot on the right leg (and make sure it has been felt), and then touch the same spot on the left leg. Right leg, left leg, right leg, left leg, on so on, each time a different spot around the injury.
3. Gradually get closer to the injured area until you are touching it. If the skin is broken, or stitches are required, get the medical work done, or cover with a dressing as appropriate before touching the wound itself.
4. Continue touching around the area, to and from the area, until there is a marked improvement for the person.
If the person is still obviously emotionally distressed, see "UNWANTED EMOTION"
Don't try to stop.
1. Increase the intensity of the feeling that seems to be with you in your
grief. Intensify it to the maximum.
2. Fill containers with it. See how many containers you can fill with it!
As you proceed,
3. Check what other feelings might be present with the grief: unexpressed
anger, perhaps, or self pity or sympathy. These may relate to yourself,
or to another.
4. Intensify these feelings, and fill more containers. You won't run out of containers! There are as many imaginary containers as you need. Use your will to make sure you do intensify each set of feelings, and to make sure you put them all in the containers.
When you have completed this,
5. Have your higher self, or Someone more than you, transform it all into
sparkling white light, and slowly pour that sparkling white light into you.
If you find that you are crying because of something you consider sad about someone else, fill them with white light until they are positively glowing, and do the same for yourself.
This remedy will work unless you leave some of the unwanted feelings not intensified, and not put into the containers. It will work best if you are not still experiencing self-pity, or are not
trying to show others how they have wronged you.
Conflict occurs when more than one person is determined to be the only one who is right AND is determined to believe that the other or others is or are wrong.
Right and wrong can be different for each and every individual.
In relation to some activities it has been found that the desired result can be obtained more easily, more quickly or otherwise more effectively by doing and or thinking in a particular way. Some call these particular ways "right" when actually, the "right" way is usually the most effective way. For example it is considered right to look both ways before crossing the street. It is just that it is usually safer to do so.
When we agree for a long period of time that particular ways are "right" we sometimes forget that they are only methods which work that we have agreed upon.
All other ways can also be right.
Conflict is usually produced when someone asserts that there is only one way that is right.
Conflict can be resolved by
1. Agreeing to accept that there is a difference in viewpoint of what is
right.
Or it can resolved by
2. One or more people willingly changing their opinion and agreeing to
accept another's rightness as their own.
It cannot ever be resolved by force, effort to force, or unwilling change of viewpoint or opinion.
This section is to use if you find yourself being critical. (By "critical," I do not mean assessing something in order to choose, I mean find things wrong with another person or other persons.)
If you find yourself being critical then the first thing to realize is, that whether or not the things you find wrong with the other person are there, or did actually happen, or not, the sense of wrongness comes from you. You are judging.
When you think the critical thought or say the critical message to another you are defending yourself.
You are defending yourself because you have done something that the other might consider is wrong and you are not sure whether or not that person has found out.
It can be an unpleasant feeling of righteous anger or the impulse to beat someone to a pulp or the impulse to make the other person less by finding fault with them.
Making them less seems to make what you did feel less important and so less wrong.
Steps:
To help reduce this feeling and the effects on you of these actions sit down with paper and pencil and
1. Write all the things that you have DONE to that person that they might consider are wrong.
2 . Write all that you have done to that person that you feel you must hide.
3. Write all that you have done that you or anyone else could consider is wrong. EVERYTHING!
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT IT IS. WRITE IT DOWN. NO ONE IS WATCHING
Now ask yourself
4. When, and What did someone say or do (or didn't say or do) that made
you wonder whether or not they knew what you had done? Relax and be willing
to know and the answer will come to you. Write it down.
5. Did anyone else say or do anything that made you wonder whether or not they knew?
6. Find all those people that you feel may have nearly found out. Find out what was said or done that made you wonder if they knew or not. Write it all down.
When you have done this and still feel a little unhappy about the person realize that a similar thing may have happened before so stay with the idea of having done things you would rather hide and that are not definitely found out and find an earlier similar time.
Handle this time in the same way as the first.
Keep finding earlier times and handling them until you feel much better and have no desire to be critical of the person or persons in question.
Realize that the very same reactions are at work when someone else is being critical of you!
There is a form of depression that you will need professional help with. If you have it you will not be looking in this book to help yourself.
The most common causes of depression are long-term, suppressed anger or suppressed hurt. Although these are the cause of eighty percent of depression, the anger or hurt will long ago have been lost to the sight of the sufferer.
Anger is a basic and natural human emotion, which can be healthily expressed through a simple process. (See ANGER ). If expressed inappropriately, it can obviously have harmful effects on relationships. If suppressed, it can seriously affect the body and it depress you.
When you feel depressed,
1. Find the earliest time that you can remember feeling that way.
2. Feel the depression as though you were there at that time, at the age you were then.
3. Ask who it is that you are angry with, (or by what or whom you were hurt.) The answer may be yourself.
If it is anger,
4. Feel the anger. Feel it more. Feel it as intensely as you can, and let
it flow.
5. Flow it into containers, turn it into white sparkling light and pour it into you.
6. Allow yourself to fully feel any hurt that arises. Really let it be there, let it build up and up until it is all there with you, intensely.
7. Flow it into containers, and treat as for anger above.
If you cannot find anger or hurt, ask yourself whether there was an earlier time that you felt that same depression. Don't try to remember a time. Ask if it is there, and then wait patiently to see if it comes to you. It will if you just let it. Then proceed as above.
Some depressions can reached a stage where professional assistance is required.