Self Clearing Diary
Using The Pilot's Self Clearing book - Chapter 18
18.1 Willing to Do
(a) What would you be willing to do? (b) What would you be willing to have another do? (c) What would you be willing to have others do?
T - I realise that willingness depends on one's history/time track. I'm willing to do things conditionally, which won't be time-consuming, damage me etc. I'm still fixed on control, so my willingness regarding anything is fairly rigid.
18.2 Willing to Reveal
(a) What would you be willing to reveal? (b) What would you be willing to have another reveal? (c) What would you be willing to have others reveal?
T - I am willing to lose. I didn't realise that before. Life is all about taking risks and playing games, and you don't always win. I think my childhood involved constant losses, so I can understand how that background would mean a `willingness' to lose. It's more acceptable to me than winning.
18.3 Finding Out
(a) What shouldn't people find out about you? (b) Who would it be safe to tell that to? (c) What shouldn't people find out about another? (d) Who would it be safe for them to tell that to?
T - I think in the 90s almost everything is acceptable to be found out. People thrive on the secrets of others. Some people don't want to find out about that of another because they can't deal with (eg R telling his mother that self-clearing has stopped my depressive behaviour).
18.4 The Body
T - I have an obsessive can't have on my sexuality because I've rejected what I see when I look in the mirror. People use their body as a weapon (headbutts, fists, kicks, biting). This behaviour still goes on (either games or on the street) even though technology is so advanced. It's a basic reaction. The body is still basic. It hasn't advanced (neither has the mind, it's still limited).
18.4.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do with their body? (b) What have you kept another or others from doing with their body?
T - I have prevented guys from being close to me. I have an obvious track history in this type of behaviour, not really being responsible for the feelings of others. On a daily basis I feel compelled to control bodies, especially when out walking. I used to be a compulsive conversation stealer, but now I'm ore a sounding board for other conversation stealers.
18.4.4 (a) What could you let others find out about your body? (b) What have you kept hidden about your body?
T - I realised that I've kept hidden the fact that my body is not as good as it appears, but I'm quite happy for others to form their own reality on it.
18.4.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about their bodies? (b) What have another or other kept hidden about their bodies?
T - I worked on this process for a couple of days. I was happy with the responses but no big wins. `Celebrated' another birthday with my family, which is always a test of my emotional strength.
18.5.1 (a) What have you done involving sex? (b) What have you kept yourself from doing involving sex?
T - I realised I've committed overts involving sex in previous lives, which has spilled over into this one. It's as if the tables have turned on me and I'm suffering because of it.
18.5.2 (a) What has another or others done involving sex? (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing involving sex?
T - There are so many `sickos' around, people are trying something new because sex is so old. In a way people should be admired for breaking down barriers regarding sex, not despised.
18.5.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do involving sex/ (b) What have you kept another or others from doing involving sex?
T - I permit R's mother to have her sexual hang ups. She chases the doves in our backyard who make sexual advances towards each other because she can't confront sex (or anything else).
18.5.4 (a) What could you let others find out about you involving sex? (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself involving sex?
T - I have kept hidden the fact that I was touched up when I was in first grade at school. I didn't feel anything and I was confused (and pretty stupid because I didn't touch him up). I realised that numb and confused when I was 7 years old just progressed to when I was 26 and attempting my first sexual relations.
18.5.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves involving sex? (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves involving sex?
T - My brother and his wife have kept their sexual relationship hidden. I know my sister-in-law isn't interested in having children so the necessity to have sex for this reason is not present. This means my sister-in-law is also controlling bodies, because my brother may want to have children (but he won't reveal this either).
18.5.1 (a) What have you done involving family? (b) What have you kept hidden involving family?
T - Two of my main traumas this lifetime are due to my family (I split my lip and I had a really bad 9th birthday party). Both of these incidents happened because of my older brother. I now know why I laughed when I saw South Park The Movie recently and Cartman said, "I hate you, Kenny." Cartman hates Kenny because he's poor. I don't like my family because they're poor in the things that I want (respect, responsibility, understanding, intelligence, spirt).
18.5.2 (a) What has another or others done involving family? (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing involving family?
T - My father had a drinking problem, which bothered me, as I didn't really come out of my bedroom when I was growing up. I realised that I didn't want to be near him. I just thought I wanted to be on my own. My father didn't realise the consequence of his alcoholism.
18.5.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do involving family? (b) What have you kept another or others from doing involving family?
T - At my recent birthday `celebration' I hadn't realised that an event where I was supposed To be popular could turn out that I was actually keeping my family from doing their own thing (watching TV, having dinner), even though I don't regard these things as important.
18.5.4 (a) What could you let others find out about you involving family? (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself involving family?
T - I've kept hidden the fact that I don't really like R's family. I thought perhaps I just don't like families. They've supposed to have good, healthy connotations and yet most of them are aberrated, and nothing like you see on TV.
18.5.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves involving family? (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves involving family?
T - Usually people only let you know the good stuff about their family. I realised that being a parent is the ultimate way of controlling bodies. Parents decide to have kids, when, where they will live, what they will wear etc until they're old enough to decide for themselves.
18.6.1 (a) What have you done involving work? (b) What have you kept yourself from doing involving work?
T - The further my work career goes the less important it is to me. I still put in the required effort but I don't obsess about the outcome. I used to think an experienced lady at work was slack, but now I see I'm the same. You just do the job, you don't become the job.
18.6.2 (a) What has another or others done involving work? (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing involving work?
T - I've realised that the people at work have decided that this job is it, some also say it's not a young person's job (why, because we're smarter?). They've actually kept themselves from finding another job (whether it's better or worse is not relevant). There are also people at work who have said that if they win the lottery they'll continue to work. To them the job is everything, and is keeping them from doing other things.
18.6.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do involving work? (b) What have you kept another or others from doing involving work?
T - I realised that if I don't complain about others' behaviour at work it means I'm in agreement with it.
R - Sneezing & sniffling all weekend I knew it wasn't a cold or flu so I decided it must be an allergy. Doing OT touch assist on the train this morning I recalled a TV program last Fri night called The Sacred Mushroom. I suddenly realised I'd ingested it in a previous lifetime. This explained my intense interest in the TV program but didn't explain the symptoms. Continuing the touch assist I got an image of an old man. He had used mushrooms and I realised he'd destroyed his nasal passages through abusing cocaine in that same lifetime. I have read that excessive cocaine `sniffing' destroys nasal passages. At this point my `allergy' symptoms ceased.
Immediately following the mushroom program (which rehabbed much 60's drug culture knowledge - Timothy Leary stuff, Carlos Castanedas, Crowley, Diary of a Drug Fiend, etc) I had a huge realisation that the `magic' mushroom had enhanced its survival by making itself valuable to man. The program mentioned the mushroom's vast filament root system closely resembling the human brain in design and complexity but infinitely larger. I saw the `magic mushroom' was in fact an organic computer, but not sentient. But when a sentient oganic lifeform (e.g. human) ingests some of it there occurs a chemical connection with the essence/spirit of the plant. It's like suddenly becoming part of a supercomputer with all its resources. If one is not ready or prepared then it's a totally overwhelming experience resulting in various degrees of breakdown of one's own mental resources (psychosis).
R - On train this morning realised many people (friends, family etc) are not up to perceiving `problems'. Their obesity, ignorance, smoking, dramatisations, low tone level/s etc are not open to solution because (unbelievable to those who can confront and handle problems) they are not seen simply as `problems'.
R - Doing UCP on train and got disturbed by a Walkman which was too loud. Incorporating it into the process I eventually realised the problem on existed in the physical universe because I was only confronting it in the physical universe. The solution lay on the 7th Dynamic. The process in fact took me out of the physical and into the spiritual universe where I could deal directly with the being. A short `conversation' then led to the music volume being reduced.
R - Produced 8 pages of SC results yesterday. The main result was rehabbing the 8th Dynamic realisation of oneness with god, or god consciousness, or co-existence of static, experienced often in the past. This time I realised I'd only experienced it as a present time thing. This time I saw I could have it in the past. I then conceived some past `opposition terminals' as `me' resolving some ancient conflicts. This continued through to today. Significantly I am aware SC is effectively clearing all 8 dynamics. Until this action is completed it seems our individuality/ identity/ego results from an 8th dynamic psychosis (primary overt, original sin?). This caused automatic expulsion from heaven/paradise/garden of Eden/god consciousness/oneness, etc. Thus began our (separate) existence as individuals/identities/ egos/ others.
R - Further UCP on train this morning with further results. Realised sayings like `live for the moment' and `stop and smell the flowers' etc. acted as false data for me and I realised what actually worked for me. `Work with the moment' or `work in the moment' is now my motto. Just `being there' is not enough. My motto covers past, present and future, e.g. if a past incident arises then using a process to deal with it is `working with the moment' (because it is now part of the present). Anxiety about the future can also be alleviated by `working in the moment' with it, e.g. with mock-up processing. And of course when life is under control then smelling the flowers or having a few glasses of wine is also `working with the moment'.
18.6.4 (a) What could you let others find out about you involving work? (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself involving work?
T - No self-clearing for two weeks due to training of another staff member. Did a 12km bike ride yesterday, feel very good. I recently made an error of judgment at work and I realised that I let myself be caught out. I didn't conceal the truth so I didn't come out of it too badly and I don't hold any grudge against the person who found me out.
R - Half-way through last process of chapter 18 Forgiveness and I suddenly realised what `Armageddon' was all about. I'd always thought the whole Nostradamus thing and end-of-the-world type predictions for the year 2000 was very interesting but quite unreal. But subsequent to continuing 8D (god/infinity) realisations with Self Clearing it occurs to me the `final battle' between good/evil could be the end of god's long-running game of Hide and Seek with himself. The `light' (of individuals attaining/regaining awareness that they are (and always were and always will be) in fact god) will overcome/replace the darkness (of those individuals incapable of accepting god consciousness).
18.6.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves involving work? (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves involving work?
T - I realised that you usually keep the bad stuff hidden eg if you're thinking of leaving work or what you really think about someone you work with. I don't really keep work stuff hidden. People find out usually anyway.
18.7.1 (a) What have you done involving society? (b) What have you kept yourself from doing involving society?
T - I've tried to not conform with society, but it's difficult because you can't avoid it. I suppose, like most of us, we all have problems with society one way or the other (with politicians, public transport, criminals) but not many people want to take the responsibility of confronting society head on. It's people like Martin Luther King who confront society that pay the ultimate price.
18.7.2 (a) What has another or others done involving society? (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing involving society?
T - R's mother doesn't want to get involved with society so she spends her day at home, watching TV. She is aware of what is happening in society but is not directly confronting it, or if she does it is always in the company of another person (husband or son).
18.7.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do involving society? (b) What have you kept another or others from doing involving society?
T - I realise that when someone like Hitler comes along it's people as a whole who are permitting this type of behaviour. I feel as though I've kept my 2D from contributing to society by having children.
18.7.4 (a) What could you let others find out about you involving society? (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself involving society?
T - I've kept hidden the fact that I don't really support society and that I have a valence which suggests I do support it. In every overt a lie is contained, which is exactly what is happening here. My overt is not supporting society when it appears that I do.
18.7.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves involving society? (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves involving society?
T - I came up with a person at work who is trying to sue the department, which means anti-society. I have a better understanding of what anti-social means now. It means going against the norm or the majority eg smoking, hurting other people.
18.8 Thought and Creativity
18.8.1 (a) What have you done involving thought or creativity? (b) What have you kept yourself from doing involving thought or creativity?
T - I've been able to come up with solutions to problems (such as using an empty tin can to store cooked oil). R indicated to me that this may be a problems release, which I agreed with, upon looking this up in the tech dictionary. I don't see myself as being that creative (at this point I realised I didn't really know what creative meant, so I looked this word up also). I realised that I don't paint or dance or knit, but that doesn't mean that I can't do these things. It means I choose not to do them.
18.8.2 (a) What has another or others done involving thought or creativity? (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing involving creativity?
T - I suppose the majority of people keep themselves from thinking about both sides to a problem. Society says what is bad (crime, wars) but without these things there would be a lot of people unemployed (judges, lawyers, defence forces).
18.8.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do involving thought or creativity? (b) What have you kept another or others from doing involving thought or creativity?
T - I've let R's father have some creative control over the place with the painting, gardening, etc. It's not really what I want, but it's just material. I've kept R's parents from thinking about me in a true way. I'm happy for them to think I'm an angel and I'll bend over backwards to help them, which is not correct, and which I intend to rectify when they visit at the end of the year.
18.8.4 (a) What could you let others find out about you involving thought or creativity? (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself involving thought or creativity?
T - I haven't been readily able to communicate my thoughts when I'm angry or upset. This tends to result in the `silent treatment' which I seem to have inherited from Dad. I should put into action `when in doubt, communicate'.
18.8.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves involving thought or creativity? (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves involving thought or creativity?
T - R's mother is pretty open with her thoughts (about foreigners, animals, neighbours, the weather, her bad back). She is quite happy for me to know that her thoughts are narrow and her concepts are single layered. I just realised that R's mother might be at no effect but her communication is at a higher level than mine. She would be at enforced on the CDEINR scale, whereas I am at inhibited.
18.9 Other areas (I've chosen God)
18.9.1 (a) What have you done involving God? (b) What have you kept yourself from doing involving God?
T - It seems real to me that I was one of the masses who decided Jesus should be crucified. I've got major problems in the area of whipping, and Jesus was scourged. I've kept myself from understanding other people's fanaticism on religion. I should be viewing this as being enlightened or concentrating on the highest dynamic.
18.9.2 (a) What has another or others done involving God? (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing involving God?
T - People have become too locked into bodies/havingness/sensation etc, further away from religion/God, which I feel equates to nothingness. We came in with nothing and we leave with nothing.
18.9.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do involving God? (b) What have you kept another or others from doing involving God?
T - I realised that religious zealots are trying to recruit people because they think that it's benefitting their lives. It's like R and I getting people interested in self-clearing. It's not like we're recruiting for a death cult or something, however people are just not interested in hearing about self-clearing.
18.9.4 (a) What could you let others find out about yourself involving God? (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself involving God?
T - I don't agree with the phrase `love one another as I have loved you', or `thou shalt not kill'. Many people are killed in the Bible by God. I don't feel you can have it both ways. The people who think they are abiding by `thou shalt not kill' have probably killed in past lives and think that past lives is rubbish because they can't confront what they've done.
18.9.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves involving God? (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves involving God?
T - I realised that I'm still a bit vague in relation to religion. My answers are a bit glib. I think people keep hidden the fact that they're ignorant regarding religion. I know my family are. They're not looking at word clearing or various religions. I realised that I've got to do more reading/research in the religious/spiritual area.
Wed 3/11/99 The General Version
18.10.1 (a) What have you done?
T - I've got withholds such as pointing out someone else's misgivings and not admitting mine (and they're usually similar). I realised that my 2D overt relates to the fact that I don't really have much interest in my appearance. I haven't really achieved much to give to others. About the only way I've benefitted society is by donating blood, which I haven't done for a long time.
18.10.1 (b) What have you kept yourself from doing?
T - I've stopped communicating with a lot of people (more than I thought). I've kept myself from mixing with other people and caring about a lot of things happening in the world. I've been at failure quite often because I've kept myself from following through. Now I think the tables have turned and I'm able to push through the mental barriers.
18.10.2 (a) What has another or others done?
T - They've raised their kids similar to their upbringing, usually poorly. It's parents who are contributing to the current problems (over-population, crime, unemployment, welfare cases). I realised that not only does my mother favour my brother over me, but also my grandmother did when she was alive. I didn't notice this pattern before.
18.10.2 (b) What has another or others kept themselves from doing?
T - From being informed on various matters and changing for the better. They slow down and seize up. My brothers have kept themselves from understanding me. They don't realise my complexities and just see me as `the sister'. I see them more as people and not really related to me. To me we're related because we're humans. We all come from the one place, so I suppose that relates us all. I realised that because I don't think we're God's `children' is why I don't see myself as being tied to other people or that other people are me.
18.10.3 (a) What would you permit another or others to do?
T - I used to permit R's parents not supporting R. This has been a big overt in the past. Now I feel like I don't have to impress them anymore, and I don't intend to.
18.10.3 (b) What have you kept another or others from doing?
T - I realised that if you keep someone from doing something it's a problem with control. R to some degree keeps me from falling back into my old ways (sleeping in, watching TV etc). R's mum kept R from havingness, moving from country to country and not being able to keep things. My father kept my mother from being able to relax of an evening, always talking about taking overseas trips.
18.10.4 (a) What could you let others find out about you?
T - I'm quite happy to let people know things about me but the outcome of this is such a grey area. People might resent the fact that I'm fit and healthy because they're not.
18.10.4 (b) What have you kept hidden about yourself?
T - I didn't realise that I have an obsessive can't have on fairness. The more I push it the less I can conquer it. I've got to be able to let things slide and push through nonetheless.
18.10.5 (a) What could another or others safely let you find out about themselves?
T - I realised that fat people are obviously revealing that they have a problem with food and/or motivation to exercise. They are self-inflicted victims for all to see, and yet we're expected to respect them and their problems (magazines and TV shows embracing large people). This also goes for those with obvious physical problems (the disabled etc).
18.10.5 (b) What have another or others kept hidden about themselves?
T - I realised that people aren't necessarily hiding things, it's the fact that other people aren't seeing things or don't have enough knowledge/awareness of what is going on.
18.11 Forgiveness of Past Existence
(a) What terrible thing might you have done?(b) Imagine being forgiven for that.
T - I realised that, feeling as though my last past life was spent as a homosexual, I'm just bringing forth that overt on society into this lifetime. I was probably treated as a pariah and now I have no wish to be part of society's feeling on things. Irealised that I have a vague perception of what forgiveness is and I don't believe that forgiveness is something which is readily given/available (I think it occurs when someone has done something heinous).
(c) What terrible thing might another or others done?(d) Decide (as best you can) that you forgive them for that.
T - I'm pretty sure I've been flogged, but obviously I need to be responsible in that situation for whatever I might have done. It's possible that anything one can imagine could have been done to me, something along the lines of Hellraiser, the novel/movie of Clive Barker. I feel that there has to be responsibility on my part for what has taken place in past lives. Whatever indiscretions have been done against me in previous lives I've performed three times as bad in return. I feel like I'm needing to forgive people on a daily basis for their behaviour (swearing, bad behaviour on public transport etc) as I assume more responsibility.
(e) What terrible thing might another have done to another or others?(f) Imagine that their victims have forgiven them for that.
T - I realised that one of us had to be Hitler, one of us had to be Genghis Khan etc. I think the most terrible thing that has been done is to the vast reproduction of mankind. It perpetuates aberration without solving it, for selfish reasons. People have children, expecting them to be perfect, letting them run rampant and not accepting responsibility for them. Isuppose people have `forgiven' others in the way that they suffer and then exact revenge - karma. It's hard to believe people when they say they've forgiven someone after a heinous crime. I feel that if I don't have children it means I won't have to raise someone who'll need to forgive me for putting them into a situation that they didn't want. I suppose that suicide is the ultimate showing of the inability to forgive the parent (especially teenage suicides).
|Back to Diary Chapter 17||
On to Chapter 22